Many of us tend to become attached to those who cause sympathy. But is it worth connecting your life, even if only for a short time, with a person who is simply not able to create healthy and strong relationships now? And how is this inability to recognize?
Of course, you should not consider all those who are emotionally unstable bad and do not need to demonize them. They are not able to create and maintain healthy relationships with other people, because their relationship with themselves is going through hard times. To become reliable for you, they must first become reliable for themselves. And for this they will have to make a lot of effort, and no one will force them to do it until they themselves want it. You, too, do not set them on the right path. And if a potential partner has embarked on the path of healing, it is better to wait until he passes through to the end. Because up to this point his attention and powers will be directed exclusively at himself. If you do not want to go with a broken heart (and if you want, you may also need to think about your emotional instability), then pay attention to these five signs.
1. He trusts everyone but himself
Lack of trust in yourself is a sign of the trauma most often received in childhood. Child injuries often cause people to give up on themselves and their needs in order to survive. As adults, they literally give their strength to everyone around and suffer from it. Perhaps you enjoy their confidence. But ask yourself: is this trust based on a special intimacy that has passed the test of time, or that this person is simply not catastrophically unsure of himself? In the second case, trust has nothing to do with you – this is only a consequence of non-healing spiritual wounds.
Why does the lack of faith in yourself mean that this person will hurt you? Because he is easily influenced by the slightest. He does not have his own moral guidelines, they have not yet been worked out. Rely better on someone who can rely on himself. Such a person, if necessary, will be able to support not only himself, but also you.
2. He constantly complains about health.
This does not mean that the slightest indisposition or some kind of diagnosis should instantly scare you away. But a person, continually complaining about a breakdown and suspecting all possible diseases in himself, is not the best candidate for affection. Often the habit of unduly suffering because of their physical condition indicates a low self-esteem and that all human energy will go on trying to cope with a kind of mysterious malaise, and not on the development and strengthening of relationships. It is likely that he really needs to focus on himself right now. But the resource for you will not be left.
3. He uses "dope"
Alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs, even overeating is an alarming symptom. A person who is dependent on "doping" is not capable of real intimacy with someone else, because he feels comfortable only after eating something. It changes his mood, creates an artificial personality.
The more often a person needs a new “dose”, the less stable his emotional state. And for him you will never come first. In the first place will always be addiction. Probably, you just thought: “But there are so many couples around, in which one of the partners or both of them use something”. Yes, but it only says that in these relations there is an emotionally unstable person, or even two at once. They may have relationships, but this does not mean that their union is healthy.
4. He has a lot of experience in “bad” relationships.
If you have the opportunity to analyze previous partner relationships, do it. He repeatedly allowed others to treat himself disrespectfully and stayed in a relationship for which he was obviously not good? This is likely to indicate that he does not value himself and believes that he is not worthy of love and respect. The more unworthy he considers himself, the more he will need your confirmation of his value. But you can never fill this black hole, even if you try your best. This is a co-dependent relationship that will inevitably lead to suffering for both of you. An emotionally stable partner is confident. He is modest, but he knows his own worth and does not need you to “feed” his ego.
5. He sees life in black
The pessimistic approach and the lack of faith in the success of any, even the most foolish, business should alert you. If a person looks at life through the prism of potential failure, he will also look at you and your relationship. Emotional instability does not make a person bad or doomed to loneliness, it only means that now he needs to concentrate on himself and his state of mind. Independently and voluntarily, not by your order and not with your help. And you don’t need to lurk around waiting for him to finally change, let him deal with his own life.
Heather Hans, psychotherapist, author of the book “Love for yourself: how to shine confidently” (“The Heart of Self-Love: How to Radiate with Confidence”). Her site.
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