Parents are the dearest people to us. They raise us and bring up, giving sometimes everything, even more than necessary. And such self-sacrifice often costs too much not only for them, but also for their children. Devoting themselves to the child, such parents, and most often, these are mothers, begin to live his life, in her alone drawing opportunities for their own happiness. As a result, the child becomes a hostage of maternal love, which envelops him like a soft suffocating blanket, which makes it impossible not only to move freely, but also just to breathe. And although a child of either sex may be in a similar situation, most often such a close relationship arises between the mother and daughter. A mother who devotes her life to her daughter acquires a set of qualities, which is called Demeter Complex, and the daughter is forming the corresponding Persephone complex.
The names of these complexes themselves traditionally for Psychoanalysis are taken from Greek mythology. Demeter, sister and wife of Zeus, being the goddess of fertility, gave birth to a daughter, Persephone. When Persephone grew up, the god of the underworld Hades, with the permission of Zeus, stole a beautiful woman, taking her away from her mother. Demeter so grieved for her daughter that on Earth came famine, and Zeus was forced to meet Demeter and return her daughter. But, since Persephone already had time to become the wife of Hades, she could not return to her mother forever. Therefore, it was decided that she would live for six months in the underworld with her husband, and then return to her mother for six months.
Here is such a beautiful myth about agriculture and the fate of winter grain thrown into the ground in the fall in order to spring its shoots in the spring. But we are more interested in the relationship between mother and daughter. Analyzing the myth, we can see that Demeter, fanatically loving her daughter, was not ready for the fact that her child had already grown, and now she must build her life separately from her mother. The mother did not want to give up the warm relations that she had with her daughter, and simply could not allow her daughter to start living an independent life. She wanted her daughter to be always there, regardless of the circumstances, and was ready to sacrifice everything for it, even the happiness of her daughter.
Demeter Complex it arises in a mother when, for some reason, she is not satisfied with her personal life and completely identifies herself with her maternal role. Such a woman has no other interests besides her child, all her experiences, thoughts, dreams are focused only on one thing – on her child. And if in the first years of a child’s life this is quite explicable, then as the child grows up and he becomes more and more independent, the mother must learn to separate herself from her child. Just as a child’s parents expand their physical space by transferring them from a comfortable and safe crib to a larger room, they must also learn to expand their psychological space, giving them greater autonomy for their actions, judgments, desires and aspirations.
But mother with Demeter Complex turns out to be just not able to do it. She can not let go of the child from herself, simply because she identifies herself and her life only with him. Having released the child from herself, she seems to be committing psychological suicide, depriving her life of joy and meaning. But the instinct of self-preservation has not been canceled! So it turns out that the mother just needs by all means to make her baby always with her. And for her daughter, this automatically means psychological disability. After all, she must live not as she wants, but in order to meet the expectations and attitudes of her mother.
For mother with Demeter Complex the child is like a continuation of her, something like an arm or a leg. And when such a symbolic hand suddenly begins to move not by the will of the mother, but manifests some kind of independence, this causes the hostess,
To the fact that the fan in itself is a threat to the relationship between the mother and daughter, the personal disorder of the mother as a woman is added. After all, I said at the beginning that a mother with Demeter Complex identifies himself exclusively with the maternal role. And this happens because for some reason she cannot realize herself as a woman. A man in the life of such a woman is missing either physically or psychologically. He can drink or work a lot, but the main thing is that he does not fully participate in the life of his wife or child. Not finding herself as a woman and a person, such a mother tries to realize herself through the child, giving him all the best, trying to save from dangers and even minor troubles. But she does not even realize that she is trying to protect him from life itself, making him completely dependent on herself and making it impossible to fully develop.
I got a rather gloomy picture, and you may get the impression that I blame such mothers, seeing in them the culprits of all the troubles of their children. But this is not at all the case. After all, such mothers do everything unconsciously. They really want to give their children the best. They just do not understand that what is good for the child from their point of view can have disastrous consequences for their child in the future. Often, following the wishes of our desires and circumstances, yielding to them here today, and tomorrow there, we gradually do not notice how we lose objectivity and begin to replace concepts, confusing bad and good.
Therefore, I am writing this article not only for daughters who, reading it, will be able to better understand their life situation, but also for those mothers who have enough common sense and strength to objectively look at their relationship with the child and understand what is in them need fix. After all, it’s never too late to start changing your life. And parental mistakes are too expensive for our children, whom we wanted to protect so much …
Mother with Demeter Complex, as we said, growing up a daughter with Persephone complex. It can manifest itself in two apparently opposite ways:
1. The daughter, as conceived in the original scenario of the relationship, begins to identify herself completely with her mother, without separating her desires from hers. Mother for her becomes the main authority, friend and attorney of all her aspirations. Often the mother is idealized, her opinion becomes the ultimate truth, and she herself is the seat of all the best qualities. The daughter seeks not only to be like her mother, but also tries to share her life with her. She devotes her mother to all her secrets, shares her spiritual experiences and can even devote her to the details of her intimate life. And the mother relishes all these intimate details, living them with her daughter. So she fills her feminine non-demand, realizing through her daughter.
Daughter with the first option of development Complex Persephone very obedient. But she is also empty inside, like her mother. After all, all its internal psychological space is filled with motherly opinions and attitudes. And she herself is virtually none. She is accustomed to the fact that her feelings are shared by someone, that she is constantly supported by someone, and she is almost never alone. Even when she independently makes a decision, she always thinks about what her mother would say to that. Such daughters become exemplary brides. After all, the future husband can, without hindrance, project on them, as on a blank screen, his ideas about the ideal woman. But this happens only as long as the mother herself or her image does not interfere in the relationship with the married couple. And then the husband suddenly realizes that he married his mother-in-law, which his wife inherits in everything.
Without having before your eyes any other object for imitation and feeling inside you the same emptiness that her mother, Persephone’s daughter, was ill with the appearance of children, she herself became a mother with Demeter Complex. In this way, a vicious circle is formed, when the spiritual emptiness and non-demand of one person gives rise to a whole generation of such internally empty children. That is why it is so important to interrupt this disastrous chain as early as possible, taking up your life today, finding interests other than raising a child and trying to realize yourself not only as a mother, but also as a woman and as an individual.
2. The second version of the formation Complex Persephone develops when her daughter decides to fight for her autonomy and to separate from her mother. But since the power of the mother over her is too great, this requires extreme measures from the daughter. And then the girl is forced to give up not only obsessive maternal care, but also all that personifies motherhood inside her. Such daughters know for sure that they do not want to become like their mother, but they don’t know exactly what they need to be and what to do for that. There is no one behavior model that they could implement.
In an effort to get rid of the feminine role, such daughters can choose for themselves male professions or hobbies, develop in themselves male qualities. Often they hate housework and cope poorly with it, resisting their role as mistress and homemaker. In addition, at a subconscious level, they may not even want to have children, so as not to repeat the life and mistakes of their mother.
They perceive their marriage as, first of all, as an opportunity to get rid of their annoying maternal care and begin to live their own lives. But the tragedy of the situation lies in the fact that since the mother still remains the point of reference, the girl unconsciously chooses a man for her husbands who, by her psychological characteristics, resembles the very mother from whom she is fleeing. Naturally, acquiring a constant irritant in the face of her husband, which will attack her on the same sick corns as her mother, and being unable to cope with the role of wife and mistress, such a girl initially creates tension in her relationship with her husband, which turn creates all new problems.
Therefore, if you know yourself in the description of a mother or daughter, try to see and understand exactly how Demeter-Persephone Complex Refracted through your life, where it manifests itself most clearly, and where it has a hidden influence. Only by passing all of the above through your life situation and finding the most problematic moments in your behavior and way of thinking, you will get the key to solving your life problems. It is a new look at the situation that will help you develop new forms of behavior, will force thoughts to move in a new direction, which ultimately will lead to a change in your life for the better. What I sincerely wish you!