The ratio of parents and children

Most parents attach great importance to the education of their children, seeking to make them outstanding personalities. But at the same time they are not always clearly aware of their role in the schooling process, often making mistakes in raising a child.

But it does not always get the expected result, as evidenced by unsatisfactory ratings. According to experts in the field of education, the lack of remuneration for the efforts invested is often associated with parents not understanding their role in teaching children, which leads them to mistakes that interfere with their studies. In some cases these are actions connected not so much with studies as with the style of upbringing in the family, namely, so often repeated mistakes as excessive care, absence of restrictions, negative attitude to everything, or bad examples.

And other common mistakes are connected with not knowing the most appropriate answer to questions like: should parents learn with their children? Help them with homework? Check homework? Check and correct school assignments before they are handed over by children? Reward for good grades? To give additional tasks if the teacher is not very picky? Hire tutors? Monitor the course of study? Talk with teachers? Stimulate participation in extracurricular activities?

Based on his professional experience, Joan Domenech (Joan Domènech), Director of the College. Fructuós Gelabert in Barcelona; Benjamin Montenegro (Benjamín Montenegro), a member of the psychological council on personal development, and Angel Peralbo (Ángel Peralbo), the head of the adolescent department in the psychological center of them. Álava Reyes, consider that the most common parent missteps in school education and upbringing are the following.

1. Act as teachers

Many parents help their children to prepare lessons, explain the educational material to them, correct the work. Nevertheless, psychologists, teachers and teachers are unanimous in their opinion that parents and teachers cannot be simultaneously, including because it almost daily causes conflict situations, and the educational process turns into real torture for parents and children. . Angel Peralbo explains that, in addition, “if children get used to the fact that someone takes care of them from infancy, they become addicted and, instead of having the necessary perseverance in their studies, relax, take a wait-and-see attitude, as a result they develop a habit that someone must lead them. ”

Benjamin Montenegro stresses that “the role of parents is to ensure that the work is done, properly framed, that there are no outstanding tasks, not touching the content, because homework is given to students for independent fulfillment.” But experts warn: this does not mean that if a child asks his parents about something that he does not know or does not understand, they cannot direct him along the path that will help him find the answer.

The ratio of parents and children

And in cases where the guys have difficulty learning, when they need extra classes, re-explanation of the material, experts advise to resort to using a tutor or educational psychologist.

Joan Domenech considers that parents should monitor the children’s learning, but at the same time emphasizes that there are a number of disciplines, the teaching of which is within the competence of the school, and if parents try to do this, then they violate the educational process. “Parents should not teach their children to multiply, because the school does this. But what parents really have to do is to use mathematical knowledge in everyday life with their children, especially when shopping and

The ratio of parents and children

2. Strive to make Einsteins out of your children.

“A characteristic feature of the modern family is the desire to over-stimulate their children, starting from an early age, so that they quickly develop their abilities, which translates into an excessive number of developmental games, learning to read and write, starting at four years old, and writing in various circles for the development of their abilities, “- said Domenech.

The college director explains that this desire to pump up children with knowledge early leads to over-stimulation, which, by no means contributing to accelerated learning and identifying talents, usually entails counterproductive consequences, manifested in lack of attention, inability to concentrate, hyperactivity …

On the other hand, this desire to have children-geniuses prevents parents from understanding the real abilities of their children and their problems.

“Often, the exaggerated demands of parents mean too high a bar for a particular child, which can cause a decrease in motivation, increasing resistance and even low self-esteem, which will increasingly complicate the learning process,” says psychologist Angel Peralbo.

Benjamin Montenegro cites as an example parents forcing children with poor academic performance into extracurricular activities.

“For some children in school, foreign languages ​​are difficult, and they are also recorded for extracurricular language courses; others, who have problems with mathematics, are forced to go to music and solfeggio classes after school. As a result, children suffer from an oversupply of knowledge, as well as from the fact that they do not justify the expectations placed on them, ”he warns.

3. Reduce everything to study

Educators claim that students often repeat the phrase: “My parents are only interested in my grades, they don’t care about the rest.” This complaint is not always objective, but psychologists claim that it accurately reflects what is happening in some families, especially when difficulties arise or children do not achieve expected results in school. “Study takes the most part in family cares and, as a result, in daily conversations. Many parents put their studies at the forefront of their children’s lives. Although activities play an important role in children’s lives, many other aspects of development should not be forgotten, such as sports, games and cultural events, leisure, future plans and family affairs, friends, social relations, personal affections inside and outside the family. its limits … “- continues Peralbo.

4. Reward for good marks.

The usual way for parents to encourage their children to study is to promise them expensive gifts in the case of good grades. But experts in the field of education consider it a mistake. “If we resort to incentives of this kind, it means that something goes wrong, because the child does not need material rewards for learning. The best incentive for them should be the discovery of a new one, the overcoming of difficulties and the development of their interests, ”the school’s director believes. Fructuós Gelabert. Educators believe that good grades are worthy of praising them, approving and even celebrating, but just not buying, because the child immediately becomes a slave to material incentives. And if, despite the promised reward, he does not receive a good grade, his disappointment will be even greater, since, in addition to failing at school, he will also be left without a gift.

Psychologist Benjamin Montenegro especially warns against unrealistic rewards, such as the promise to buy a moped to a teenager who has filled up seven items in case he corrects the situation. “This is an obvious brute force, causing disappointment to the child and often putting the parents themselves in an awkward position when their son finds out that they promised him a reward after talking to the teacher and finding out that he is very likely to have to stay for the second year,” clarifies Montenegro.

In exceptional cases, a reward for good grades may be justified. “For example, if a student who is dyslexic, without special training will receive a good grade on the language exam.”

Regarding ratings, Montenegro notes another common mistake of parents: hasty decisions. “After seeing the ratings, we immediately begin to express our opinion, positive or negative, which is wrong. Instead, we need to think about two or three days, cool down and make an informed decision, ”he explains. Educators emphasize that instead of vyvodelok for poor grades, parents should teach children to overcome disappointments and failures, help them understand the reasons and make the right decisions in the future.

5. Give out laziness for nervous breakdown

According to experts, another often repeated mistake of parents is to try to explain their children’s school disorders with nervous disorders.

“Many children are unable to make an effort to prepare their homework, or just to learn, because of their laziness. But this is just immaturity, not a nervous breakdown. Sometimes they try to present this laziness as a consequence of frustration or stress, although in reality it is a question of a lack of independence, ”Montenegro stresses.

And he adds: the proof of this is that these guys, who are not able to study hard, also cannot keep their room in order, make a sandwich or warm up food when they come home after school.

Angel Peralbo emphasizes that in many cases “parents’s mistake is as follows: they do not realize that the reason for laziness and lack of motivation to study is to use almost all the time for leisure and entertainment, especially for technical innovations that are so common now other things. “

Montenegro also considers erroneous when parents invite a tutor so that he supervises the children’s homework and the learning process itself. “The tutor should be invited to solve specific tasks, and not at all in order to do homework with the child, because in that case he will remain immature and will rely on others,” the psychologist said.

6. Impatience

The ratio of parents and children

Angel Peralbo attributed to the frequent and highly undesirable errors and the desire to achieve too fast results in school, not realizing that this is a long process. The impatience of parents, according to experts, results in a desire to ensure that children learn foreign languages ​​as much as possible, read and write before entering primary school, master mathematical operations, and are ahead of the school curriculum. “This desire to teach quickly and as many objects as possible is extremely erroneous. In Denmark and other countries with well-established education, children learn to read and write at the age of seven, ”emphasizes Joan Domenech.

Peralbo adds that this impatience of parents leads to the fact that they are very upset when their children face the first difficulties in learning or the first poor grades. At the same time, parents forget that difficulties and mistakes are inherent in learning, and children first of all need peace of mind and attitude to work hard throughout the school year. “Parents should not consider unsatisfactory results as a failure, because it leads to a decrease in children’s self-esteem, weakening their abilities more and more,” the specialist said.

7. Do not follow the school methodology.

Overwhelmed by impatience, some parents try to teach their children to read and count with their own methods, give them additional homework, without taking into account the fact that this may violate the pedagogical rhythm of the school. “Parents should decide on the choice of school, realize that they agree with its approaches to the educational process, and then work in parallel, helping their children in their studies, but at the same time being respectful of the school methodology, acting in the same direction with the teachers, rather than contradicting them, ”notes Domenech.

8. Transfer your experience to children

Another fairly common mistake of parents is to mechanically transfer their own learning experience to their children. “The school has changed a lot, and the children too. And what you liked or what you then studied will not necessarily guarantee success for your children, ”warns the headmaster of the school. Fructuós Gelabert. Angel Peralbo also believes that in many families “the parents’ hopes for their children’s studies still prevail than the preferences or abilities of the latter”, and many children have to learn what their parents like.

9. Question the teachers’ actions.

Not to support teachers, to constantly show their disagreement with the teacher in the presence of children is another mistake of some parents. “Teachers no longer have the former capacity to maintain discipline in the classroom, and it is highly undesirable that parents, instead of supporting them, oppose, and students, taking advantage of the current situation, manipulate them and set them on others, although the goals of the parents and the teachers are the same, ”says Peralbo. At the same time, the psychologist adds that teachers are often guided by the embellished idea of ​​their students, often not knowing how they behave at home. “The interaction and exchange of information between parents and students can help the child both to achieve good academic results and improve his behavior,” he notes.

10. Act as detectives.

Montenegro believes that another mistaken attitude of the parents is that they become detectives. “Some parents find out how homework and other work are done, as well as the dates of exams through social networks, or through parents of other children, but this only causes distrust, without deciding anything,” he explains. His advice is to check with the child the schedule of the day and the tasks performed on each subject. Experts do not advise to exercise full control over the implementation of school assignments, constantly checking what a child is reading or watching, asserting that it is better to observe him at a distance, giving him a certain independence. And if the parents still decide to test the child’s knowledge, Montenegro does not advise doing it orally, but write three or four questions, because “usually oral examinations are not conducted, and although the child can even orally answer the question, then he will still be bad put it in writing or make many spelling mistakes. “

11. Solve organizational problems

According to educators, another mistake of parents is to solve the organizational tasks of their children. “At seven o’clock in the evening, the child says that the toner has run out and he cannot print out the work that he needs to hand over the next day, and we send his grandfather to the store to buy the necessary cartridge,” Montenegro gives an example, emphasizing the importance of , so that the children get used to solving their own problems, “even if they give up their work later and lower their marks for it. After all, the later you file your income declaration, the higher the penalties will be, no matter how much you explain that the bank sent your accounts with a delay. Such is life, and people must learn to organize it and solve their problems from an early age. ”

Teachers also disagree with the position of some parents, who always justify before the teachers the mistakes and failures of their children, always referring to some external reasons or the difficulty of the task, calling into question the competence of textbooks or even the teacher.

12. Associate punishment with homework

“He’s punished, he does his homework” or “until you get the job done, you don’t come up to the TV”, these phrases can often be heard in many houses. According to teachers, they should be eradicated. First of all, they point out, because homework should be done in a calm, not nervous situation. Secondly, the goal should be for children to enjoy reading and learning, and not to take it as a punishment. And finally, they should also not consider reading or doing homework as a necessary fee for watching television programs, being able to play or meet with friends.

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