WHAT TO DO IF A CHILD INCREASES IN HYSTERES
Young children sometimes have seizures of yarost, during which they fall to the floor, hit the floor with their hands and feet, shout, and pound others. Most often, such behavior occurs in response to the ban on adults (you can not take any thing, you can not play in a puddle) or to refuse to buy a toy, chocolate. Sometimes a similar outbreak can be the result of a conflict with peers. For example, if one of the children takes a toy from a child, but he does not know what to do in this situation, how to attract the attention of adults, how to express his insult. Henry Parens recommends the following tactics in such cases. If the hysterics began in response to the refusal or prohibition of an adult, parents should not immediately cancel their decision, it is better to say firmly ╗net (of course, if the ban is really necessary). G. Parens does not recommend to lift a child from the floor at the moment of rage and forcibly take him in his arms. But if the child himself asks for his hands, you should fulfill his request. But any moralizing at this moment will be premature.
It is undesirable to leave the child alone during a tantrum. It may be unsafe. However, if the adult himself is in a state of extreme emotional arousal and cannot control his actions, it is better to move away from the child.
Very often, parents in a state of anger either shout at the girl or slap him (sometimes not commensurate with the force of the blow). Subsequently, they experience feelings of guilt and remorse.
At the moment of the greatest intensity of the attack, the child doesn’t hear the persuasion of adults, but when the emotional intensity decreases, you can try to distract the child, switch his attention to some action or object. Ok so if the child goes into hysterics."
□ Do not cancel your decisions immediately.
□ Do not take the child by force.
□ Do not try to raise a child from the floor.
□ Do not leave the child alone.
□ Watch your emotional state.
□ Switch baby’s attention.
Maybe you were familiar with this problem before, or maybe the child began to roll the scenes right now, reacting to the kindergarten. A child who rolls on the floor and gives off shrill cries early in the morning when you are nervous, late for work, and painfully play up how you can get him to such a kindergarten to your nerves. But, like most other problems, this is completely resolved, although it requires a lot of emotional love for you.
First of all, take a deep breath and calm down: it will not last forever. The child will grow up and will stop falling into hysterics much faster than you now think. In children’s tantrums, the most painful for parents is not even the child’s own behavior, but his own parental feeling of complete impotence, confusion, ignorance of how to behave in such a situation.
You yourself know what you need to maintain: calm and only calm. But how can you change it? To get started, organize your time in such a way that the threat of being late for the service does not put pressure on you. If you already know that kindergarten fees will be accompanied by a scandal, plan your time with this sad fact in mind: arrange at work that in the coming weeks you will come up half an hour or an hour later. If this is not possible, you will have to get up earlier.
By the way, it is possible that this very, very simple measure will be enough for the morning children to stop: the child may be buzzed precisely because the morning rush is sick. It is not included that he needs a smoother, slow preparation for the daily transition from home to kindergarten. And if he has the opportunity to play at home for fifteen minutes before going to kindergarten or having breakfast with his mother, and not in a group, it is likely that he will calm down.
If this does not help, learn some simple rules for dealing with a rebellious child. The morning tantrums associated with the kindergarten campaign most often have the nature of a manipulation: the child really hopes that in this way he will be able to win you and the kindergarten will finally be canceled. ‘
Let him know that you are not afraid of his Istenriks and will not fulfill his demands just because he lies on the floor and produces very unpleasant sounds. The baby must see that in! Do not be angry with him, do not accuse and do not intend to punish, but do not intend to give in. Your calm and friendly perseverance and posleddavlennost will ensure that all the performances╗ will very soon remain in good stead.
During a tantrum, do not throw the child alone. Believe me, it would be very scary for him to stay on the path with his uncontrollable emotions. If you feel that now it is difficult for you to level off with yourself, you can go out for a few minutes, but be sure to tell the baby that you will be back now! –
Develop and discuss with your child the rules for outbreaks. For example: he may scream, fall on the bed or stomp his feet, but you can not fling things, biting and scratching, spitting and squealing to parents in the ear. Believe me, despite all the turbulence and seemingly uncontrollability of what is happening, kids quite quickly adopt such rules. It is necessary to have in reserve and some kind of preventive measures in case the child still breaks the line. You can gently but firmly take him on the shoulders, squeeze his hands or feet and say: l Stop. You can not fight, it is not on pravlamla. I will help you stay … If, during a tantrum, the child scattered toys or clothes, he should then collect them and put them in place himself. Explain to the child what is happening to him: This is a flash. You lost your temper because you do not want to go to kindergarten and part with me. But you can stop, and I will help you. I still need to go to the sandwich, but when I pick you up, we will be able to walk more together (or something else attractive and comforting for the child) ╗. After the storm is over, be sure to lop the curtain: take the baby in your arms, hug and caress it, promise each other to live peacefully and harmoniously. Never blame a child for his flashes!
On the contrary, the baby will quickly outgrow such a response if, after the outbreaks, you will await him, noting his success: “Well done! You were very angry, but you remembered that you shouldn’t fight and scratch! ╗ or you are already a big boy! How great it is that you did not scatter toys when angry! ╗.
I begin to think that our three-year-old daughter is possessed. If she can’t get her way, she starts a fit of hysteria. She screams, falls to the ground, bangs her arms and legs. This is a must see! Yesterday, this happened to her because of the connection, right on the lawn in front of our house, in full view of all the neighbors. I was terrified! Should I contact the healer, or are there any other means?
H Kelly, mother of four, Edmonton, Canada
"You will not believe that our angelic daughter got up in the store! It looked like she was trying to play the role in ‘Exorcist’!" "He kicked, screamed and screamed because I didn’t give him what he wanted. I was ashamed in front of other parents!"
For children, a tantrum means to get what they want because they realized that it works. You can stop it, never yielding to hysterics.
Tantrums occupy one of the first places in "list of intolerable child behavior". Truly, this performance deserves "Oscar": shrill screaming, beatings (parents try to prevent hysterics in this way) and uncontrollable behavior. If a child does this in a school or park, this is a real humiliation. And yet, why do children go to these exhausting tantrums? Yes, because they understood: such outbreaks are successful, although an extremely uncivilized maneuver, which allows to attract attention. You have to be freaking out that your child, from the age of one to three, will try this behavior on you, and this applies equally to both boys and girls. Older children sometimes return to the stage "hysterical"especially after suffering stress or moving to a new place. You can also recall one or two adults who shout, slam the door and smash something. Whether or not your child will make tantrums to get his way depends on your reaction to the first attempt of this kind. As soon as the child realizes that he has succeeded and has achieved his goal, he will most likely resort to this tool again (and the second and third.).
FIVE STEPS TO TERMINATING HYSTERES
Use these five steps as a guide to prevent children from getting hysterical.
Step 1. Predict a tantrum to prevent it.
The biggest mistake is to wait until the child’s behavior with fullness goes out of control. The surest H predict the state before the outbreak occurs. Watch for signs of irritation that are characteristic of your child, such as tension, anxiety, whine, and when they appear, distract him immediately: "Look at that little boy", "Want to get out of the stroller and carry her along with me?" Sometimes it helps to pay attention to signs of deterioration in the child’s mood: "Looks like you’re tired. Let’s go".
Toddlers do not yet have the ability to control their emotions, so at first you need to regulate them. If you see a child getting upset, then it’s time to apply the method
calm down to help him hold back. Get alone with him and chase soothingly, stroke his back, gently hug or softly sing a song that helps to relax. Sometimes the flash can be stopped by expressing with words what the child feels: "Yes, it is difficult to wait. Especially if you want to go home right now.". The child may not have enough words to express his chagrin, so he can calm down after hearing this from you. As soon as you figure out which remedy is better, taking into account the temranity of the child, use it. A child’s behavior can turn into a tornado in a record short time.
Step 2. Enter the policy of zero tolerance for tantrums.
As soon as the child starts a tantrum, refuse to communicate with him until he calms down. He should know that such behavior will not be tolerated. Do not persuade the child, do not shout at him, do not spank and do not try to reason with any of these tools, as a rule, does not work. Besides, he will not hear you behind his screams. If necessary, take earplugs or put on headphones, but do not answer at all. Don’t even look at him. Sometimes it is necessary to carefully restrain a truly unmanageable child in order to protect both him and others from suffering; as soon as the condition of the bank returns to a safer point, get down to business.
Step 3. Isolate the child with tantrum
The best remedy for constantly recurring tantrums is to temporarily isolate the child. Start the fight with the flash as soon as it arises. Take the child quietly to some isolated or specially designated place. There should be no TV, no toys, no other children. The child should know that he does not deserve to play with other children or to use someone’s attention when he behaves unacceptably.
The duration of temporary isolation may be different for different children, but the child must be in "evil place" or "on a soothing chair" until two minutes remain spongy. If he again starts shouting and thrashing with hands and feet, he should be returned to the place of temporary isolation. The hardest part of this ordeal is to remain calm. Outbreaks of irritation are terrible, so your peace of mind will help the child return to normal. BE CAREFUL: do not allow him to use tantrums in order to evade any duties (for example, from working at home or performing home tasks). The child should know that as soon as he returns to normal, he must finish the job he has started.
Step 4. Always and everywhere follow the policy of rejection of hysteria
When choosing a behavior during outbreaks, it is very important to stick to it every time a child falls into this state, so that he knows that your reaction is unchanged. Even if it happened in a public place. Take the child away: find a lonely mensto, take him to the car, stay with him until you can or leave alone. Yes, it is unpleasant and uncomfortable. Yes, you will feel a glance at yourself, but you cannot tolerate indecent behavior. If a child resorts to outbursts of irritation with other people, such as your parents, teachers, relatives, babysitters or carers, agree with them on how to behave in such situations. Consistency is vital to the suppression of unmanaged behavior. Allocate a special place for temporary isolation and emphasize that adults should not pay any attention to the child until he returns to normal 1. The child should be allowed to communicate with others only when he behaves properly. Talk with other people involved in your child to evaluate re-education achievements.
1 Since up to a certain age a child is not able to control his emotional state, often he simply cannot independently leave the second phase of a tantrum – incessant sobbing. In this case, comfort from the parents (ideally, the mother) is simply necessary. H note ed.
Step 5. Teach your child acceptable ways to express dissatisfaction.
It is important that the child understands that it is possible to get upset, it is impossible to express this state in an uncivilized manner. Therefore, when both of you calm down, talk to him about acceptable ways of expressing dissatisfaction. Very often, children resort to plonkhy behavior only because they do not know the acceptable ways to express their state. Tell your child how to express feelings in words, not in hysterics. Teach him several words describing feelings, such as angry, lost his head, sad, angry, tired or frustrated, and encourage the use of these words: "I lost my head", "I’m really angry" and
One of the best means of getting rid of the tantrums is to not pay attention to them. Berrn Brazelton, a well-known pediatrician and author of books, shares a very important observation: the more you make an effort to calm an outbreak of irritation, the longer it goes. Therefore, do not pay attention to the screaming youngster and try to go about your business in order not to aggravate this unseemly behavior.
PLAN OF PHASED CHANGE OF THE PROBLEM BEHAVIOR OF THE CHILD
First talk to other parents about outbreaks. This will help you to understand that hysteria is a much more common phenomenon than you thought. How often do similar flashes occur in other children? How do their parents react? What is the reason in such cases?
Now it is time for action to change the behavior of your child. Use the Step-by-Step Diary of the Child’s Problem Behavior to record your thoughts and plan your changes.
1. Refer to step 1 and determine what is comforting the child. Watch the baby for several days. Write down what usually happens right before the flash. After finding out what provokes outbursts of irritation, eliminate this. Now Istenriki can warn or minimize.
2. How do you react to outbreaks of irritation? If possible, talk to other adults who have seen these tantrums. What is ineffective in your reaction? Consider whether there are adults in your environment with whom the child never behaves in a pond-like manner. Try to understand why he is not happy with tantrums when they are dead.
3. Re-read the remaining four steps. Agree that in hospital cases, steps 1, 2, and 4 are required to terminate the scan. If these steps are not enough, apply temporary insulation, following step 3.
4. If the child rolls up tantrums with other adults caring for him, refer to step 4, arrange a meeting with these people and work out a plan of change together. Remember that you will do better if you all work together consistently.
5. Review the acceptable alternatives to the tantrums indicated in step 5, and choose one that will help the child adequately deal with his chagrin. Practice with the bank until he learns how to use this approach on his own, and then support his efforts.
6. If unacceptable behavior continues (especially in children of school age) or the child calms down with noticeable effort, seek the assistance of a specialist.
OBLIGATIONS TO CHANGE THE PROBLEM BEHAVIOR OF A CHILD
How will you use the five steps and plan a phased change in problem behavior to help your child? Write down what you will do in the next 24 hours to begin the process of gradually changing your child’s problem behavior.
RESULTS OF STAGING CHANGES IN THE PROBLEM BEHAVIOR OF A CHILD
Correction of behavior is hard, painstaking work that must be carried out consistently and be based on anchored results through parental encouragement. A child’s movement toward change can be slow, but be sure to note and encourage every step he takes along the way. It will take at least 21 days for first results to appear, so don’t be in a hurry to give in. Remember that if one approach does not work, the other will work. Weekly record the progress in the behavior of the child, using the following sample. Daily celebrate success in the Diary of the phased change in the problem behavior of the child.
The doctors say that Nastya has an unstable psyche. When she hears, my husband and I swear, or I just raise my voice, my daughter begins to cry. I, naturally, rush to her, try to calm her down, but this gives little. She cries until she starts to hiccup and stutter. It already begins to seem to me that in this way Nastya is trying to influence us.
After the divorce, Mitya and Valera stayed with me. Mitya is two and a half, so far he understands very little, and Valera was very worried at first. I kept trying to reassure him, to explain, but the more I tried, the more he began to beat, shout at me, cry, insult us with my father. I told him: "Calm down, dear!", and he: "Get out, get out, get out!" Now hysterics began to turn out almost every night. Reasons for them are the most diverse. I’m talking about help around the house ист hysterical, talking about school marks ка hysterical again, I admit about the need to care for a puppy Ч he understood us three months ago, H and again hysterical. How do I behave with my son? I can’t just close my eyes to everything! ╗
Tears and Tantrums H is a tried and tested way to draw attention. The child masters it from early childhood. He is resorted to when the situation causes fear or displeasure, when she gets out of control and becomes uncontrollable. If psychic personal predisposition on the part of children is added to this, or events occur that can inflict psychological trauma, then hysterical moods become typical repetitive forms of understanding.
The sight of screaming, heart-rending crying children will make a strong impression on others. Adults begin to rush about in vain attempts to console, to settle their beloved offspring, to somehow ease their condition. Vodichka, embraces, hijackers and promises, bromine with valerian and stronger drugs are used. However, the intervention of family members and other relatives only increases the unintended reaction of children.
Why is this happening? It’s pretty simple. Once a person is calmed, pity, it means that he is very bad, it means that there is a reason to cry and scream, demanding special attention. Here are the children and cry. And the more they are soothed, the more pity they feel for themselves, the more prolonged their whims and tantrums will be.
However, one cannot simply ignore these tears. You can not just go and go to another room, tightly closing the door. You can not take and step over the screaming child or screaming child. It has already been noted above that this is an unconscious call for a pomonschi, a demonstration of one’s own emotional ill-objection, and not ordinary manipulation, like whimpering or pretense. The manipulator is well aware of what he needs, and for this purpose it influences others, donbivaya their assistance and sympathy. This case is different. Certain words, intonations and expressions, the contemplation of some everyday scenes stimulate the emergence and preservation in children of specific dunshevnyh states, which are painful for their psyche, and at the same time trigger involuntary protest reactions. Children can not influence their behavior, it does not depend on their will and consciousness. But if adults do not respond to their actions in any way, then protest reactions will go on until they take the form of hysterical ones.
So you need to respond. But how? In the most severe cases, the help of specialist psychologists, psychologists, psychotherapists, and child psychoneurologists is indicated. Often, one consultation is not enough and a number of meetings are required for positive changes to occur.
Parents and family members can recommend preventive measures. Their task is to prevent the appearance of undesirable forms of behavior. Worldly wisdom says: “The home of the defeated person does not speak of a rope”. In our case, this means that it is not worth provoking children with unstable psyche, prone to acute reaction and uncontrolled actions. This is especially true of family scenes, showdowns in the presence of children, as well as inquiries and expressions of sympathy, if any drama has occurred or is brewing in the house.
If the breakdown, one way or another, has occurred, then you can shorten his time by taking the child in your arms, pressing him close, lightly stroking or shaking him. It helps when the baby is 3 × 6, even 7 years old. If the child is older, it is advisable to take his hand, sit down beside him and sit silently with him. While the children are crying, crying, it is better not to say anything. Sympathy and understanding can be expressed by gestures, facial expressions.
You should not show excessive fussiness, get into panic, call outsiders for help. Even if the hysteria lasts 30–50 minutes, lasts more than an hour, sooner or later it will end. Give the child the opportunity to cry and scream. Unclaimed tears will affect the work of the internal organs (heart, stomach) in the form of pain, general malaise, and disorder of functioning.
Usually, a strong tension is followed by a relaxation reaction. Many children after hysterics fall asleep or fall into a kind of stupor. This is a natural reaction, its appearance should not disturb relatives and friends. The main thing is not to disturb them at this time. All conversations should be postponed for later.
How to behave in the intervals between similar scenes, you should consult with a specialist or your doctor. Only they will be able to determine the need for supporting procedures, advise how best to organize the regime for children.
But it should always be remembered that the problems of the younger generation of representatives are largely created by the representatives of the older generation. Children’s whims – this is only a reaction to the impossibility of changing your life in the right direction desired by the child (to remember the parents, to return what is irretrievably gone, to delay the onset of something terrible, sometimes irrevocable). Neurotic child psyche occurs under the influence of stressful situations. The lack of restraint, tearfulness, loudness, and even aggressiveness are only manifestations of it at the level of understanding. And it makes no sense to deal with them before the reason for their appearance is eliminated.
lI want, want, want. ╗
l very annoying girl grows up. From her never will retreat. The last time everyone was uncomfortable, but still did it their own way, stayed overnight at the banbuska, although in the morning it was necessary to go to school early. My father had to run to the garage at 5 am: pick up the car, pick it up and take it to class. And all because there was some kind of musical rendition on television in the evening, and on the way she would have missed it.
Adults sometimes become hostages of their insatiable love for children. This happens more often in families where one child grows, sometimes it happens with late children or aftermaths, to whom parents have assigned the role of consolation in old age. The impetus to the emergence of a peculiar form of tyranny can be a long illness of the beloved offspring. But the easiest way to go under the pressure of childish extortion is banbushka. People say that grandchildren love and pity more than their own children, they are given more time and attention, for their sake they leave promising work, change their place of residence and their usual way of life.
Children, accustomed to demonstrating a sacrificial relationship from their loved ones, sometimes cannot resist the subconscious desire to experience the power of their love, to demonstrate to others around their own omnipotence. Desire soon becomes a habit, because they ask the moon from the sky, and in fact, they probably will not be refused. Children’s lhochu! ╗ hypnotic effect on the psyche of their relatives.
It is worth a charming capricious or dense toddler just to express their wishes, like grandmothers, mothers and fathers start at full speed to fulfill them. You can hear it well: “I don’t want macaroni, give better fish”, they don’t need sweet tea, pour me compote л I want just such a big, very big doll with a suitcase ╗ no such, I want buckles on my side, “Give me a better album of "Shp" and the album of Slava Medya-nika╗, buy a laser flashlight for me, I saw such a guy, I want goalkeeper gloves, faceplates and a mask╗. Orders and wishes are pouring out of a horn of plenty. Sometimes grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, moms and dads travel around half the city in search of the right thing, they save money for months to please their beloved child.
Over time, the demands of children are becoming higher. They demand that they are always inferior and in everything. What to watch on TV or listen to on the radio is rendered by their interests. Children do not tolerate instructions about what and when to wear, even if they are donschoolers. When they become older, they are declared from a walkway, when it is convenient for them, they demand that adults appear, as soon as there is a need for them, and disappear as soon as it disappears.
The vagaries of an egoistic child and self-love are unpleasant because they put people around in an awkward position: they force them to change their plans on the go, make it necessary to justify others because of their lack of obligation, they cause many inadvertent offenses and extremely dangerous situations.
Parents are aware of the fact that in other families children grow up and behave somewhat differently, it is associated with a deep breaking of their own ideas about the role of a good parent. It’s not the one who behaves well, that is, he does everything for his offspring, but the one who does not forget about his life, whose children can take into account the interests of other people.
The moment when the beloved grandson shoves his grandmother with nongami from under the blanket just because she wakes him up at the wrong time, when he has not slept enough, makes him bother about many things. To change the tactics of your behavior here is not enough. Need to change strategy. He shakes up to radically reconsider his views on the relationship that has developed, otherwise it will result in tears not only for the grandmother, but also a failed fate, not a slumbering career for the grown-up child.
A regularity has been established in psychology a long time ago: the growth of needs always outpaces the growth of human capabilities. This means that the child’s requests will always exceed his own capabilities and those of his family. The more parents and relatives will indulge the wishes of children, the sooner these desires will turn into unreasonable, purely selfish whims.
There are many ways to express your love for a child. This is not only a warning of desire, tolerance for whims and disrespect towards oneself. The proof of love is the desire for joint leisure activities, reasonable instructions and restrictions, forethought and rigor. All this is as necessary as caresses, praise, gifts, gentle treatment.
It is the family that should support the child in the difficult task of developing his skills of self-regulation and self-restraint. Children should know the joys not only egoistic, but also social, altruistic. Teach them this task of loved ones. After all, only by considering the desires and interests of those around you, children will learn to be good friends, loving
sons and daughters, desirable members of any company.
A personal example of close adults plays an important role in this. The children unconsciously imitate the bountyrs, identify themselves with them, and when they communicate with other people, they choose the same line of behavior. Therefore, try to create conditions so that they can overcome their egoistic attitudes, without waiting for the emergence of their own days. Not only parents should take care of children, but also children of parents. Not only kids are allowed to have desires. Do not think that it is meaningless to express your desires for children, that they do not have the means (skills, time, finally, money) to implement them. Bring tea, make a simple dinner, make a greeting card or a festive newspaper with your own hands, and even save preschoolers and junior schoolchildren to buy something pretty and useful with their saved pocket money.
But if we close our eyes to the egoistic zanmas of our offspring, let them be pushed around by a sonboy, make the slogan “I want to!” Want! I want! ╗ fundamental life motto, then the children’s moods will soon become childless, and cute helpless creatures will turn into complete crazies and egoists living solely at the expense of others, unable to do anything good for other people without compensation.
According to the books:
- Galina Monina, Elena Lyutova “The Problems of a Small Child”
- Olesya Zhukova recommends lNo want to go to kindergarten
- Michelle Borba lNo bad behavior╗