Marry not attack, as if not married abyss Russian saying
“Maybe I live wrong? Probably very modest. It should be more actively involved in the search for a husband. To take this matter into their own hands, to be more insistent, ”some decide.
And indeed, someone does it. There is a person who seems to be decent, says he loves. Getting married And what follows from this? …
Lyudmila, 28, set a goal for herself: to get married this year. How much can one live! Let life with the first husband failed, but 5 years have passed, mental wounds have healed, the child is growing up, he needs a father. It seems impossible to wait until someone pays attention to her and wants to marry her. We must act. She advertised in the newspaper. Over 30 men responded.
After all the meetings with the applicants and the choice, there was one, however, short and thin, and she is a large woman, but nothing, but the man in the house finally remodel all the men’s work.
He redid all the work, the story is silent. But a month later she went with a bruise. And after a year of a nightmarish life with him, she decided to secretly sell his one-room “dormitory” from him and flee to another city. She did. Otherwise, she could have parted not only with the “living room”, but also with life.
Anna (29 years old) was supposed to get an apartment soon. It was her turn. He and his daughter were supposed to be provided with a two-room apartment. The number of rooms did not suit Anna and she decided to get married immediately, give birth to another child and then she would have to be given a three-room apartment.
Conceived – done. Soon she met a young man, however, 7 years younger than her, but seemed to love her, devoted to her and fulfill all her wishes. They merried.
And here, in her quiet smoothly running life, various adventures began one after another and for some reason all unpleasant. It began with the fact that he was attacked, beaten and robbed, and both wedding rings disappeared, and he got into the police. Anna, despite the fact that she was already in position, got another job. I earned and paid a fine for it and bought new wedding rings. Here she would think. But she decided: it was an annoying accident, and got him to work as a driver. Soon he had an accident, crashed a car and hit someone. For which they put him. While he was sitting, she gave birth to a daughter and received a coveted 3-room apartment. All this time supported him both morally and financially. I paid for the repair of the car, I wore transfers to him. The very same constantly worked up, who could, despite the fact that she has a baby.
She hoped that after he came out, they would heal richly and happily. But that did not happen. In the zone, he undermined his health, including mental health, and became completely inadequate, especially when he was drinking. Often arranged scandals and tantrums, beat her, ran after her with a knife for some reason in the nude.
Finally, she realized that she couldn’t wait for anything better, and the eldest daughter gave her an ultimatum. Anna expelled him and settled separately in the “dormitory.” But he did not lag behind them, came from time to time, made scandals. For the room did not pay. She paid and kept him.
In the end, she had to sell her own apartment, at such a high price, and go far to the north, buying the old one-room apartment with this money. Here are just two examples of the manifestation of self-will from a multitude of cases when “getting married” at any cost. Well, out. And then what?
Recently, it has become fashionable dating on the Internet. And, probably, it is good. But it also happens.
Marina and Andrey met on the Internet. They corresponded for a whole year, they liked each other: they both match each other in intellect, they are interested in the same television programs and books, they look at many things in life the same way, etc., they have a common love – a computer. At the meeting, they even more agreed on the character. Got married
And suddenly, everything disappeared somewhere: the desire to communicate, and to be together, and common interests. Children, too, for some reason did not start. Andrew more and more silently sat at the computer, he did not want to once again talk with his wife. And she no longer had a computer, she wanted more live communication, attention, understanding, finally. They were farther and farther away from each other. Finally she decided to leave for her city, which she left for him. There remained her parents, her friends, her more emotionally fulfilling life.
Maybe they had to put 2 computers in different rooms and communicate via the Internet? Then, perhaps, they would still live together, that is, the four of them: he, she and 2 computers? But would it be a family?
The manifestation of tenderness and love on the Internet, it turns out, is not the same as directly in communication. And the responsibility for the expression of their feelings is different. It’s one thing to write the word “love”, another is to feel love, another is to love. It is one thing to write gentle words, another thing is to feel tenderness towards a person and another thing is to be gentle.
So the Internet does not save from loneliness.
Let’s look at the problem from the other side.
Young men, in turn, are also looking for their soul mate, and they also have their own claims. “Now there are no decent girls, they all think only of themselves, they all need only rich husbands, they all strive to command and do not want to obey their husband. And Orthodox youths have special claims. ”
Vladimir long looked at the girls who attend the temple. Finally, he met Dasha. Well, everyone is good girl: and beautiful, and tall, and, most importantly, a believer. But the trouble is, there is one “flaw” – Ph.D. And when only had time in his 26 years! After a brief acquaintance, Vladimir shocked his darling with a statement: “When we get married: there will be many children, you will not work. In the meantime, ”he added,“ I have brought my belongings here, so wash them. ” Immediately, her veil of love fell from her eyes from such a domostroi. And not because she does not want to give birth and she is not a career woman. And he wants children, and would give birth to him, how much God sent, but outraged such a consumer attitude towards his future wife. And he himself, with his present earnings, is not so much a large family, he can hardly provide himself. They broke up.
And so it turns out that with our claims and high claims it is really hard to find a husband or wife for yourself. We all know what we want from others, and do not think about what we can and should give.
So after all, what do you need to do to get married?
Maybe you should not hurry and chase the ghost of a husband or wife with imaginary virtues at your leisure, even when you are under 30 or 30?
Do not force events. Maybe while you rush in search of your husband and you are completely at the wrong door and walk along the wrong paths, at this time God destined for you has long been waiting for you somewhere nearby and you have already passed by many times? Look around
Or maybe it’s so that he is not yet ready for marriage, has not matured after another mistake and loss, and he just needs to come to his senses, realize the reason for his mistakes, so as not to repeat them again. Wait a little.
Or maybe he is your betrothed, has not yet arrived in your city and even he himself does not know yet that he must go there and meet you and it is you and no one else? God has seen everything: with whom, when and where should we meet, so that we can feel good and useful.
It also happens that you yourself are not ready for family life. Often, girls dream of dissolving in their loved one, the future child, forgetting about themselves, about their soul, which does not belong to anyone, except to God. It becomes a slave to their loved ones. But no one benefits from such a dissolution: neither the husband nor the child. After all, it says: “Do not make yourself an idol,” even from your own family.
It would be nice to understand: what am I doing wrong, because of what God does not give me a husband (wife). What character trait, what passion bothers me?
Of course, it’s very hard to figure it out for yourself. Look for someone who will help you. First of all, these are your parents whom you never listened to – listen. After all, it is their blessing that solves a lot. Maybe this is your older brother or your friend. Perhaps you need to turn to an Orthodox psychologist – you will understand yourself quickly. And, of course, to the priest who knows you. Often, everything opens after confession.
Believe, if you are ready for family life, then if men (women) were around you a lot less than they are now, and they would all be completely unsuitable for you, anyway you will be given the one you deserve, and believe it will be much better than all those whom you yourself desired and chose. The Lord is never wrong.
And it happens so. A girl is sitting in a tiny office, working with papers. And she has nowhere to go, except to the dining room at lunchtime. Around, too, some women work. Men far from her office go. 26 years already, it’s time to get married. But she does not make any efforts to find a husband. Even at the disco does not go.
But one day, a young man, whom she hardly knows, walks toward her, but people say only good things about him.
How did he spot her in her closet? God knows! He offered her to marry him. And she agreed.
So they got married. Although they had not been friends at all before, only two months from the submission of an application to the registry office before registration were met. And that’s all.
And they live happily.
(All examples given in the article are from life. Heroes are real, but the names are changed.)
Nadezhda Parenko, psychologist, Tyumen