Putting you first

Insults, quarrels, children – all this complicates the love life. Seeing and desiring a partner, not interrupting the dialogue, spending time together, appreciating and supporting the other: in order to live together, it is necessary to establish the priority of the interests of the couple.

1. Do not interrupt the dialogue

Can we really be content with what our conversations have become over the years – the short and irritated exchange of news about children and material problems? Developing relations in a pair in this case means, first of all, explaining to the partner that we would like to re-establish a deep communication, genuine, friendly dialogue with him. “No matter how strong the love is, the partner does not have to feel your feelings and read your thoughts,” recalls the family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. – It is necessary to explain everything about yourself in detail. And do it not on the run, not when he (or she) is in a hurry or angry. Agree on such a ritual, for example: every evening, despite work, time pressure, illnesses, you find an hour for each other to calmly, over a cup of tea, discuss matters, emotions and plans, including dreams about the future of your couple. ” .

Putting you first

“One day, after five years of marriage, my husband, during a long walk, suddenly started talking about his great-grandmother, who was a nurse at the front, and told me an amazing story of her acquaintance with her future husband,” says 31-year-old Irina. “He told about them with such warmth that I looked at my husband with completely different eyes: I had never thought that family memory was so dear to him, he became much closer to me.”

2. Make time for each other

With the advent of the child, the parental cares and responsibilities of the spouses often overshadow their partnership. “When children grow up, it is difficult to devote time to their love life, without being afraid to feel like bad parents,” said Inna Khamitova. – But maintaining intimacy is very important. So that the family is not perceived as a routine, as a heavy burden that you carry on your shoulders, plan weekly pleasures that are interesting to both: some couples will prefer cycling or playing tennis, others – lectures on philosophy or art-house cinema. The time spent together, without a phone, without children, confirms the significance of this relationship for each of you. ” “At first, I had to persuade my wife for a long time to leave our little son in the care of a nanny, to dine somewhere alone or to have a Sunday together,” says 38-year-old Yevgeny. “But over time, she also felt the need for these sorties, because they really bring us together.” If the relationship is not the same as before, then perhaps one of the partners fears this time alone. “What exactly are we afraid of? Get bored? Be not up to the expectations of your partner? All these questions should be calmly asked yourself, ”Inna Khamitova is sure.

Putting you first

“How to save love in marriage” John Gottman, Nan Silver

The founder of the American Institute for Relationship Research, psychologist John Gottman, has advised couples with relationship problems for many years. Vast experience allows him to explain to partners how to live together happily ever after (Peter, 2014).

3. Continue seduction

“She walks around the house in a tracksuit and brings beauty to work,” complains 44-year-old Eric. “Because of this, it starts to seem to me that my opinion, my opinion no longer matters.” Of course, everything needs a measure. To indulge in some carelessness at home is natural. But if this negligence is excessive, we risk losing the relationship of eroticism. “Staying seductive for each other is one of the ways to show that we are still striving to please us,” analyzes sexologist Irina Panyukova. The situations, words and deeds that kill love, each have their own. Usually it comes to an open tube of pasta, crumpled pajamas or dirty cups. Love is generously prepared to come to terms with them. But the attraction is less indulgent. “Supporting passion and experiencing excitement is a separate task for partners who have“ joined each other ”with each other, Inna Khamitova notes. – They need to look at each other from time to time with new eyes, and here everything will do – unusual behavior, clothes, unusual appearance. Think about how you can surprise a partner. Let him admire you at the moment when you do what you are perfectly able to do — dance, bake a cake, roll on the board on the waves. Sometimes try to look at your spouse for the first time. This requires fantasy. Therefore, it is so good to spend holidays in the company – you involuntarily see your partner through the eyes of outsiders. “My wife is always so different,” smiles 57-year-old Nikolai, “then she was plump, then she lost weight, then got better again, changed her hair. It feels like I have had several women in all this time. ” “We schedule dates in bars and pretend we don’t know each other,” says 34-year-old Olga. “Every time I look at my lover in a new way.” “By making efforts to continue to value another person, his beauty, his features, we remind him – and ourselves – why he has become indispensable for us,” explains Irina Panyukova.

4. Value your union

A pair is not only the sum of two personalities. This is an entity that is unique for each of the two. “It is important for partners to feel the exclusivity of their relationship,” insists Inna Khamitova. “It gives them a feeling of confidence in each other.” It is necessary to publicly show that the partners belong to each other, and to avoid ambiguities, such as meeting with the ex-husband or wife without the participation of the current spouse (s), as well as too close friendship with the opposite sex. Old-fashioned? Not for everyone. “If partners trust each other, flirting is beautiful – this is a game that invigorates and excites,” Inna Khamitova specifies. – But if your partner is extremely unsure of himself and is painful to any manifestation of coquetry, it is important to spare his feelings. Still, choosing a monogamous life for ourselves, we certainly go for a mutual compromise: I don’t do something that you don’t like, and you spare my feelings. But we pay this price to have a chance for an amazing relationship. ”

5. Support each other

The priority of the couple also implies readiness to help, leaving all matters behind, the desire to share the difficulties of the partner. Which is not easy at all. After all, independence is valued today and everyone hides in armor, instead of opening up to another, leaning on him.

“We do not really know how to talk about our problems,” confirms Inna Khamitova. – It seems to us: if he loves, he himself must understand. But our partner is not a telepath, and if we don’t say that it’s difficult for us, he has the right not to guess. ” In addition, it is not easy for us to accept another person’s deep otherness, not wanting to change it. It is difficult for us to endure that it is not always in the best shape, sometimes weakens and is unrecognizable. And that his strategies for overcoming difficulties do not coincide with ours. ”

“It is also necessary to accept the partner’s past,” continues Inna Khamitova. For example, understand the responsibility associated with children from another marriage, and strive to ensure that this responsibility is compatible with the image of the couple that we are building. We are not talking about infringing upon our interests for the sake of a partner or wanting to gain influence on him by protecting him. But we must be able to make concessions and hope for reciprocity.

Putting you first

“Why we love. The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love »Helen Fisher

Anthropologist Helen Fisher shares the results of his many years of research: she explains what happens to us at the biochemical level when we fall in love, have passion, love or suffer from unrequited love (Alpina non-fiction, 2013).

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