Short monthly reasons

At one time I received amazing sales letters, at the end of which several short funny phrases or anecdotes were attributed each time. I liked them, and I collected them. And then I decided to put it here, because these phrases were sometimes just funny and funny, and sometimes they were very thin and smart.

Now it is fashionable to just have fun, read and watch all sorts of jokes that are usually stupid and even rude. But I think that entertainment should also be kind and cheerful, and if at the same time they are also smart, it’s generally beautiful! So I hope this woman will please every visitor.

If someone has clever phrases written down (preferably witty ones) or very short jokes, send them to me – I will add everything interesting to this page.

For now – read my selection of clever and funny short phrases and anecdotes! There are several hundred of them, I definitely did not count.

If you meet 8 Wahhabis, you get 1 Wahhabite.

– Is it true that Bill Gates is the most famous person in the world? – Not. The most famous is his mother.

Rent a father. Inexpensive. Ask Pavlik.

Making a woman happy is easy, only very expensive.

By the time you learn to calmly endure everything they say about you, they don’t say anything about you.

There are such seconds when minutes decide everything. And it lasts for hours.

Making a lot of money is courage; to preserve them is wisdom, and to skillfully expend them is art.

Sometimes you have to pretend to be a fool to not look like an idiot.

Your head is always responsible for where your ass will go.

Never with money is as good as bad without them.

If you have a clever thought, be clever – keep this thought with you.

Of all the natural juices can only afford a gastric.

Get a thin notebook in case of need.

The boat in the most impudent way moored to the coast.

You do not know how to work with a mouse – work with a shovel.

This is just a pleasant matrix, and this is a matrix, pleasant in all respects.

The greatest proof of the existence of intelligent life in the universe is the fact that so far no one has tried to contact us.

Join the Fourier series!

Screaming in anger is ridiculous, and terrible silent in anger.

The history of civilization can be expressed in six words: the more you know, the more you can.

If a glitch turned up suddenly neither friend nor enemy and bug

Traction to the bachelor life is not inherited.

The human brain is descended from a walnut. (Michurin)

The car did not start. And from childhood he dreamed of starting a car.

The skill of the shooter is determined by the size of the target.

Argufakty and cops.

Candidiasis – cheerful thrush.

When the wind of change blows, many end up in the span.

A serious organization will take on a highly paid position experienced hacker. Please place your resume on the main page of the site.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who has managed to find such a man.

Whatever your health is – it will be enough for the rest of your life!

Living most conveniently in a narrow circle.

I was surrounded by lovely, cute people, slowly squeezing the ring.

Sorry, I’m saying when you interrupt.

Money is a good servant, but a bad boss.

The likelihood that someone is watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

Buy a hard drive. Hard drives do not offer.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was

Love grandchildren – they will take revenge on children.

Any married man should forget about his mistakes: two people do not need to remember the same thing.

I am such a person: I don’t remember evil – I have to write it down.

A smoked cigarette shortens life by 2 hours, a bottle of vodka drunk by 3. A working day shortens life by 8 hours.

It is not true that married people live longer. It seems so to them.

To find a common language with a person, sometimes you need to be able to keep quiet.

Art ceases to be art as soon as our consciousness begins to perceive it as art.

He shot a corner in a love triangle.

Alcoholic beverage plant named after Bukharin.

. Sometimes it is good to lie, if it is, by benefiting the speaker, it does not harm the listeners.

Warning shot in the head.

Only our man knows the difference between food and snacks.

No matter what we walked, we can’t do without our legs.

Hatred is the wrath of the weak.

To the question What are you doing here? 72% of respondents answered negatively.

To whom the language is obedient, he is often silent.

The last one who believed in my genius was an obstetrician.

The father says to his 15-year-old son: – You are only 15 years old, and you already smoke, and I am in your years. (thinking). and by the way, smoke. smoke

Girl – do not wake the rabbit in me!

When things go well, something has to happen in the very near future.

Clever ones are those who earn with their minds, and the wise ones are those for whom these clever ones work.

Anger is a weapon of powerlessness.

Each mother hopes that her daughter will be happier in marriage than she herself, but no mother hopes that her son will marry better than her father.

Beauty will save the world from the dominance of the intellect.

I never forget a face, but in your case I will make an exception.

The ability to forgive is a property of the strong, the weak never forgive.

A person can learn wisdom in three ways: read wise books, learn from wise people, or pee on a bare wire under tension.

When people are happy, they are always good. But good people are not always happy.

Accused of sins that they were not supposed to deal with.

Smith’s law of inertia: The body, in a state of rest, tends to watch TV.

Fools never forgive and never forget; naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive, but not forget.

Born to crawl can not fly, but sometimes creeps very high.

Many bachelors dream of a smart, beautiful, caring wife. And even more about her dream of married.

Judging by the United States, they have one problem left, with roads, thank God, everything is in order.

Marriage, like life, is a constant struggle: first for unity, then for equality, and then for independence.

The position of the church in the Russian Empire was completely pitiful, – due to the piece of meat, the priest was forced to kill the dog, – what a great deal!

Where the rules of the game do not allow us to win, English gentlemen change the rules.

A bachelor does all the housework himself. A married wife makes.

God created the world in seven days and the system still works without requiring a reboot, because he did not need to maintain compatibility with previous versions.

What a smart wife should be so that her husband does not doubt that she is a fool.

Education is the process of eliminating the personal shortcomings of their children.

The amount of intelligence on the planet is constant. And the population is growing.

Learning is light, and ignorance is a little light at work.

3 buttons that shook DOS

Look for yourself in yourself, and you will find everything.

Nothing is so hot as smothered nonsense.

We feel good sometimes, always to God.

To become cleaner, do not necessarily wash. You can throw a neighbor with dirt.

Man differs from birds in that when he shits on those around him, this is not a good omen.

Whatever nonsense the person comes to mind, he will always have a like-minded person.

The wind in your head is never passing.

How to make a person well? Do bad, and then just as it was.

. So suffered Predicts.

Accommodation has risen in price, and life has fallen in price.

Russia is a country of undocumented opportunities.

Bad if you are stupid. Worse, if you like it there.

Try to sleep if a genius sleeps in you!

Gluck – this is when the computer plays with us, and not we with him.

Will pass by – pass.

One head is good, but two is already ugly!

What dare, then pozhmesh.

It is better to pitch in Honduras than Honduras in Kolyma!

Natural selection of money.

Smile is a loose concept.

Nothing is given to us as cheap as we want.

Men, marry! Women, take heart!

One can see the bird by litter.

The crew says goodbye to you, enjoy your flight!

My uncle is the most honest robbed.

Every person is right in his own way, but not in my opinion.

They usually kick their necks in the neck.

People keep silence louder.

Spring! Kidneys swell, arms open.

Want to get rid of the sediment in the soul – do not boil!

I guess this program with 7 bytes!

(A) bort, (R) etry, (I) gnore == Hefig, Hefig, Pofig.

Copyright: copied correctly!

It was the black days of the bright future.

Not everything is microsoft that does not work.

Do not kryti two prychki spray! (1st Commandment Radio Engineering)

Press any key to exit.

Did you add coffee to your keyboard?

Running along the rakes as a national sport.

Without parental help, it is hard to become minded!

Everyone knows that we are together. But few know which one.

All people are brides, but not all are understandable.

Exit from a stalemate in the same place as the entrance to it.

Give me a point of view, and I will find a point of support.

The actions of trades are predictable. But the world is full of lovers.

Democracy is an opportunity to choose slave owners for yourself.

Money is evil! And the more, the smaller.

If wounds are sprinkled with salt, they will remain fresh longer.

Those who know do not speak, those who do not know.

There are no others, but those are complementary.

How good, how fresh the palms were.

Who to us with what, that and that.

If your wife is a treasure, then you own only 25%.

Those who are ‘behind’, can give up and move away from the wall

The sight is also someone’s point of view.

When in the hands of a hammer, everything around seems to be nails.

Time is the best doctor, but a bad cosmetologist.

Democracy is a bureaucracy, only a demo.

Do not dig another hole – uses as a trench.

Than fertilized, it grew.

Can a decent girl live in a panel house?

Donated provider in the channel do not look.

Are the ideals of dialectical materialism material?

What is the table, is the chair.

The idea without intent – the essence of fiction.

Close the window! No, do not click the mouse.

16 megabytes ago.

To love is to stop comparing.

Optimists invent the plane, and pessimists – parasite.

Nobody dies of laughter except those who are crazy.

The absence of law is no excuse.

Lack of facts can always be replaced by arrogance.

Before you enter, think about how to exit.

How low fell sekam.

Once we go to the bright future, it means, not from a good life.

Superhero joke:

Tell me, didn’t drive up here?

Sclerosis – beautiful disease! Nothing hurts every day – news.

A good surgeon will help a bad dancer.

Discuss will take place. Free entrance, exit under escort.

A dispute is a way to assure the adversaries in their misconceptions. (c) Ambrose Beaches

He who knows what he wants, wants too little, or knows too much.

We just have enough. Another thing is that not everyone.

Textbook on electrical engineering 1000 and 1 volt

Most of all, productivity is affected by attempts to increase it.

God is Real

The shorter the records in the reception room, the longer you have to wait.

To get closer to the stars, it is enough to rise from your knees.

TV is a movie that played in the box.

We go from nowhere to nowhere and manage to stray on the road.

Do not wake the sleeping moderator!

Press ENTER to DEL Setup.

The better I recognize people, the more I love dogs.

How little is needed for happiness, given that grief is of the mind.

As one man fed two cannibals.

It is impossible to determine in advance which side of the sandwich to smear with oil.

Good thinking comes after all.

If the case is not glued, sew it.

And RAR’chik just opened.

If you are not paranoid, it does not mean that THEY are not watching you.

When I need to know your opinion, I will tell you!

Apes – a rarity, and ape-like people – a commonplace.

The light at the end of the tunnel – this is only the approaching train.

He who has a TV set, sees, has ears, and weighs.

He had such a mindset that even care about hiring.

The most pleasant thing in children is the process of their production.

Lord, how much has not yet been done. and how much remains to be done.

Even drinking water is unpleasant, if a doctor wrote it down.

What do you think I am better than you or do you want me?

Tomorrow Today will become yesterday.

In defamatory connections was, but not seen.

In exploring the language of life, do not forget about the law of the boarder.

If a person had wings, they would prevent him from crawling.

These cats marry in March. People only promise.

An autopsy revealed that the patient died from an autopsy.

Striving for the top, remember that this may not be Olympus, but Vesuvius.

Hybrid shark with goldfish: fulfills the last three desires.

Controller: Who has the monthly, present!

I change the indoor doggie for a two-room one

Everyone wants to pass the time well, but you will not preach it.

A patient is needed at the time of a doctor’s visit. And the farther away you go, the better.

Here in my garden grow gladiola!

Do not take life seriously – this is a temporary phenomenon.

And the wolves are fed, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has an eternal memory.

A mirror is a means of communication with an intelligent person.

In war, the main thing is not to win, not to participate.

If everything is spat around and life is in shit, maybe it is worth wiping glasses?

A sadist is a masochist who loves his neighbor as himself

Where do dreams come true?

-Do you have good parachutes? -No one has complained yet.

Diptych Steel Gozit Kilak Ezhovy – Steel Gozit Ezhovy Klyaky

The “Worker and Collective Farmer Beating the Mental Intelligence”, 1917.

Autoplay Chapaev thinks that he Kotovskiy

Fresco

What is different from the release of demos? All bugs are called features.

. the most beautiful view of the city opens through the bombs

Who made an elephant out of a fly let him feed him!

Everything in the house was great, and even the air was some kind of implicit.

For what purpose, when and where were you born? (investigator)

If you want, but you can not, then it is not very desirable.

I would like to have not only conscience.

Do not replace the pleasant with the useful.

Tampax-Bank: all annual, we have monthly!

Toast: for us with you, and for hell with them!

Our strength in swimming trunks (the motto of metallurgov)

Raise skirts above nopmy (motto portals)

Let’s give everyone under the nose (food service motto)

We will give an oak earlier than the dead (the motto of the foresters)

Born to crawl on the head does not spoil.

The inscription in the toilet: Nothing good will come of you!

Windows – like a plane: sick, and nowhere to go!

To the questionnaire questionnaire Marital status: proudly wrote – From above.

About washing machine: core BOSCH

The day was not in vain.

Announcement in a brothel: For subscribers of the GSM network – the first 10 seconds are free

The higher the intelligence, the lower the kisses.

My hair was dry and lifeless, and now they are raw and moving!

A woman wants everything – from one, Myzhchina – one from all.

Hanging lights and garlands. (Mike Tyson)

Looking for a job (Sisyphus)

Pokypayu working fire extinguishers. (Zmey Gorynych)

Kukish (Histor.) – one of the children of Captain Cook

Sandal (English) – a bright future

Inflammation (hunting) – shooting at the wasp nest

Window sill (histor.) – performer serenad

Phenomenon (English) – parammakher

Matches (English) – short speeches

Topology – the science of pedestrian movement

Extraction (lat.) – former road

Ecstasy (lat.) – used pelvis

Butterfly – bread falling buttered down

Khimera (physical) – a unit of measurement of laughter

O’Genre (physical) – zero inductance

I would like to die like a grandfather – in a dream, and not like his passengers – screaming in horror.

Read between the lines – there are never typos.

At the French-Ukrainian negotiations at the highest level they served frog fat.

If the sandwich is spread on both sides, it will hang in the air.

She has such skilled hands. She worked as a milkmaid for ten years!

-My last name is PUC. -How? -NOT AS, BUT!

The more I communicate with windows, the more I like doors and cats.

Not all the beer that is yellow and frothy.

Has he manifested himself? Get stuck!

How to put a parachute. Allowance 2nd edition, revised.

Friends come and go, and enemies accumulate.

Argue with a woman – that going to the dentist is either painful or expensive.

Taking a low start, make sure that the back does not jump with a pole.

Announcement in the zoo: Do not frighten the ostriches. The floor is concrete.

If you were admitted to the institute without exams, then this is the Sklifosovsky institute.

Old, experienced kamikaze.

Never tell a woman how good she looks today. by phone.

A beautiful woman is a feast for the eyes during the plague for the ears.

We will make a portrait of your enemy on toilet paper.

Useful, good thirst quenching drink – Vodka Tsarskaya.

A gift horse is usually caries.

Better podinka on the bust than the bust at home.

Do you know what a lot of tuckers are? It’s when you push them by chance.

Hold tight for the driver, ram!

The inscription on the system diskette: do not download without the need.

Welcome to the participants of the natural selection!

The intellectual differs from the aristocrat, as a liquid style from a leather chair

The African elephant is a bald and crushed pyss mammoth

Ballroom Dance School invites experienced helper to work

In restaurant N yesterday gave hope.

Do not believe the storytellers, God is most interested in how it all ends.

A woman can really understand only one person. Pathologist.

Loss coexist. Our sake will not persevere and save myself.

Vacuum cleaner with auto reverse.

Manual Otello juicer.

Russian whiskey Gray gelding.

Picture

Aquarium with floating point.

Welterweight boxer puppies.

Fur swimsuits for relaxing in the best resorts of the White and Barents Seas.

. and users with rabbit eyes in Windows veritas are screaming.

Medical laboratory analysis processing 12 chairs.

The inscription on the cage: Do not feed the crocodile with your hands!

Learning is light, but is distributed at a speed much shorter.

The wider the angle of view, the dumber he is.

There are many people, but few people.

A woman can be mysterious, a man can only be misunderstood.

The rug performed an incorrect operation and will be minimized

One Ctrl-Y replaces up to eighty BackSpaces

The inscription in the doctor’s office: FLOWERS AND COFFEE I DON’T DRINK

18 years only happens once in a lifetime! A 81 and even less.

Complaining to live can not be wrong, but you can mix!

How much money has been borne by the wind, that it may be known by the children.

If we are prospering for us, so why are we?

Than ice, that is more desirable for all to be, whether he is holding out.

Thoughtless people are y yakyakogo, only smart they do not skip.

To get to the source, it is necessary to swim against the current.

You want to hide your face – go out naked.

Human stupidity gives an idea of ​​infinity.

While you make a place in the sun, evening comes.

I sell cheap monserat mares.

He always speak what you know, but always know what you say.

Most of all the victims require military art.

. What the caterpillar considers the End of the World, the Master calls the butterfly.

The fruits of reflection were eaten by the worm of doubt.

I wish you a good sea and yachas!

If the state pretends to be a father, the Oedipus complex arises among the citizens.

Human life is calculated in moments that he wants to stop.

Stuffing impossible to turn back. (c) The second law of thermodynamics.

Windows loaded: system halted.

CPU not found! Press any key for emulation.

Insufficient Disk Space, please delete Windows. Please.

A girl with a large bust of Aristotle in her hand passed by.

A minute of laughter adds a year to life. Conditionally.

Although the brains are not visible, but when they are not, it is very noticeable.

To defend his thesis, he had to write a doctorate to his boss first.

I loved you. Still, perhaps?

Dad, Dad! What is Format C: complete?

Ignorance of the law does not relieve from responsibility. But knowledge – easily.

The one who laughs last is probably not understood the joke.

White crows are sooner or later taken away by the black crows.

When they do not achieve what they want, they pretend they want what they have achieved.

If a man demands only one thing from a woman, it means that she is incapable of another.

Windmills were transferred – Don Quixote was transferred too.

First love, like chickenpox – all of it is sick as a child, but some people always have scars.

He who comes to us with a sword will receive in the shout.

Tell me who I am, and I will tell you who you are.

Thoughts jump from person to person, like fleas, but not everyone bites.

Why, when you talk to God, this is called prayer, and when he is with you – schizophrenia?

From non-compliance with safety, a person can not only die, but also be born.

Acute intellectual failure.

The best way to get rid of temptation is to succumb to it.

Homemade champagne – vodka under the hiss of his wife.

The learning has a bitter root, and the fruit is sweet.

..The page was shown koi-like.

Maiden is not ready – device not ready

Maid does not want to go to the Window – device not compatible with Windows.

There is no god. There are laws of physics, which if you break it, you will go to hell.

Each pipette dreams of becoming an enema.

Nothing paints a woman like hydrogen peroxide.

The thicker our muzzles, the closer our ranks.

The fact that each of us creates problems is not a problem; trouble is when others do not have time to solve them.

The stone fell from the soul right in the bosom.

She was wearing an Eva suit from Yudashkin.

Of all the rights were only bird.

Happy is not the one who has a lot, but the one who lacks.

The successes of medicine are obvious – people no longer die from many diseases, they only suffer.

Did not fit into the turn of fate.

Senile dementia, how are you younger!

First, God created the earth! Then he rested and created a man! And again rested and created a woman! And since then neither God nor the muzhik had a single moment of peace!

Life consists of 10% of what happens to us, and 90% of how we react to it.

Every mind lamp has a cartridge.

Do not believe the traffic lights – trust the transport going on you.

Money is evil. Come to the store, and right there is not enough evil.

People are divided into two categories: a man who thinks, and monkeys, brought by labor to the state of man.

Chewing gum Dirol protects your teeth from morning to evening. And at night caries comes.

Young Pavlov was bitten by a dog. The dog has grown and forgotten. Pavlov grew up and did not forget.

According to the teachers, eggs are not taught to the chicken. According to the students, the chicken is not a bird.

To eat is to eat in a rude, perverted form.

There is no medicine for all diseases, but there are diseases for all medicines.

Experience is what you get without getting what you want.

If you’re smarter than everyone, then who will understand this?

When an idea comes to mind, it is important that it finds a brain.

Vasilisa the Wise was married to Ivan the Fool, and she became Vasilisa the Fool.

It’s hard to argue with a naked woman.

If you are surrounded by some fools, then you are central.

Come up with the same people. Assembly hall, floor cloth.

I will cash in on the Nobel Prize.

A single man will meet a single woman in order to create a single child.

The 911 service received a wake-up call. Rescuers got nervous, but they didn’t pick up the phone.

Even the most beautiful legs grow from the ass.

With the money earned, the pioneers bought prostitutes and set them free.

Women inspect porn movies to the end, with a timid hope that in the end everything will end with a wedding.

Rare brute is looking for a sophisticated bitch for joint discussions.

Want to experience the unknown? Try a laxative with a sleeping pill!

Surgeons believe that the inner world of a person is best revealed on the operating table.

Do not decorate the fence with your writing! Write, please, somewhere far away!

A difficult childhood is when a child under 5 years old thinks that his name is: “Shut up”.

Once Carlson put his pants inside out. So there was a meat grinder.

Lost a black diplomat, who found asked to surrender him to the Nigerian Embassy.

For sale computer mouse, mileage 1500 km.

Valenki are overgrown, matured and gray-haired men’s socks.

Pocket women do not understand the mind their needs do not overpower.

In love, they lose their mind, in marriage they notice the loss.

A pot is a branch of a toilet bowl.

There are two ways to command a woman, but no one knows them.

If you looked in the mirror, but did not find anyone there – you are irresistible!

Do not postpone for tomorrow what you can postpone today.

Before the wedding, the man and the woman say to each other: I only like you, and after the wedding: I only like you.

If thieves had their hands cut off, then in a year the country would have cut off artificial limbs.

The inscription at the entrance to the Chinese hospital: Enough.

Born to crawl can not fly. But sometimes those born to crawl crawl so high that those born to crawl in front of them.

– I want to become a pathologist. – Only through my party!

– Hello, Blue Riding Hood! – Hello, Color Blind!

– Are you single? – No, I’m still fighting!

– Waiter, count us! – Eniki Beniki ate dumplings!

– Little Red Riding Hood, where are you going? – I go to my grandmother and carry sclerosis. – Give me a try. Yummy! And where are you going?

– Jonas, Russians in space! – Kaak, Vsee?

Why are you so sad? – The director was. – Yelled? – Anal

– Marry me. – But you are a toad. – But we are in a fairy tale! – But you really are a toad!

– I took a pregnancy test yesterday. – So how were the questions complicated?

– My son is asking for your daughter’s hand! – And what, your son has no hand? – Yes, but she is already tired.

– Fedya, don’t show me your tongue, or you’ll get sick! – Than? – Jaw fracture and concussion.

– You guys are so rude! You only need sex! And we girls need attention. – Attention, now there will be sex!

– Dear passengers, please tear out the first two pages of your passports, roll them up and stick them in your ass. And the last time the plane fell, and this mess turned out.

She was so terrible that even the rats, biting her passport, left an intact photograph.

Send sms with the text Where are you? to any room at 4 am and get a cool rhyme on your mobile phone.

– Do you like Kafka? – Yes, especially greasy!

Due to its physical strength

– Waiter, toothpick! – Busy sir!

– What is the name of the blonde, repainted brunette? – Artificial Intelligence.

The population of Liechtenstein is sick.

The Russian couple lost the dance competition. For two hours, Sergei did not dare to invite Galina.

. And instead of I’m jealous, we write I have a rich imagination and good logical thinking.

Pee in the snowdrift, feel like a laser!

During the fall of the star, the eighth-grader did not have time to accurately determine the desire and the next day he became the owner of a multi-speed bike with tits.

– Defendant, do you admit your guilt? – Not! – Well, there is no court.

Guys love the beautiful and inaccessible. I’ll go make up and lock myself up in the safe!

Whatever is done is done in China.

The strange thing is life – it seems to wear out, but it does not satisfy.

– Dim, maybe coffee? – Ol, maybe right away?

Tips not to ask! After all, my sense of humor is stronger than feelings of pity))

I? You? In the soul? I will not drink!

Money is definitely NOT evil, evil does not end so quickly.

Listen to the voice of reason! Do you hear? Do you hear what nonsense he is ?!

Hand on heart, it is difficult to resist not to cuddle the chest.

Short monthly reasons

You can offend in a word, and kill a dictionary!

If you look soberly at the thought, then involuntarily you want to drink.

Sometimes a decisive step forward is the result of a good kick in the back.

Girl, you are so beautiful, I even got a watch!

Life is Beautiful! If you choose the right antidepressants.

When you have brains, that’s good! And when they are not there, you don’t think about it.

A kind word and a gun can achieve much more than just a kind word.

Just sit down to work – be sure to wake someone.

If a woman says she hates you, she loves you, but you are a goat!

I can never collect my thoughts, then I am busy, then they.

Happiness is when everyone is jealous of you, but they cannot spoil it.

In my head sawdust – it does not matter! Because I’m blond! Yes Yes Yes!

If as a child you did not have a bicycle, and now you have a Bentley, you still did not have a bicycle as a child.

The motto of women: Fight and search, find and. Do not give.

Not so much I loved you as you moaned.

I want something big and clean. elephant wash or something.

Do not wake me. I’m at work.

I love work, she fascinates me. I can sit and watch her for hours.

At an interesting job and sleep nicely.

Two morons – is power!

I am smart because it is very modest, therefore so beautiful.

Love helps to kill time, time helps to kill love.

If the light turns off with the uh sound, then there is someone in the toilet.

Nothing good came out of me.

Blonde thought. the hair was blackened.

Hell was overflowing. and I’m back.

The length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.

And God created the woman. The creature turned out evil, but pretty.

You never get to fart quietly at work when you are sitting in headphones.

Parents wanted me to go out. so it happened. sense came out, muddle left!

You do not sleep all day, you do not eat all night, of course, you get tired.

80 tablets of Tic Tac for breakfast, 60 for lunch and 40 for dinner. And the breath is always fresh. only weak.

Cinderella disappear at midnight, and princes – in the early morning.

..The detainee was wounded in the right half.

From the criminal case: The blow was dealt with by a heavy blunt object, possibly with an Ericsson cell phone.

Moscow police detained a group of zoophiles. During the detention, specially trained dogs were used.

During the detention of the mother of a prostitute, twelve police officers were instituted.

Report of the traffic police officer to the authorities: In connection with the difficult financial situation, please give me a radar for three days.

From the protocol from the scene: On the body were found cadaveric spots the size of 10, 20-kopek coins, with a total area of ​​3 rubles. 20 kopecks

Four injuries were found on the victim. Two – deadly, the other two, fortunately, no.

– Accused! Why did you hit a man from a nearby apartment? – He secretly breeds chickens! And it is in a city apartment, on the twelfth floor! – What is it prevented you? – For three months I was treated by a psychiatrist, considering that crowing is the fruit of my sick imagination.

Life is a fun thing. One word uttered before the altar – and you are married. One word uttered in a dream – and you are divorced.

The very first skill that a novice in an office has to master is to sleep with open eyes.

New Dirol Novocain: not that you do not have caries – you just do not care!

Call clairvoyant: – Hello, can I see you the day after tomorrow? – No, you break your leg tomorrow.

Little Nostradamus mom: – Mom, what do we have for lunch today? – And then you, bitch, do not know.

January 1 – Independence Day of the musculoskeletal system.

I wonder how those ladies who have a heel higher than IQ make a living?

Girls, girls, my husband made an electronic box! So write to ‘wife-dog-life-point-no’

Listen to the woman and do the opposite. And then turn it over and do as she wants.

30 years and 3 years lay on the stove Ilya of Murom. Russia did not know such a hangover!

Sometimes you need to shut up to be heard.

The exit is usually the same as the entrance.

Being on top, you are on the edge of the abyss.

Often, dark windows are clear evidence.

It also happens that the bell swings the bell ringer.

A new direction awaits you around every corner.

Think before you think!

Love yourself – and you will not have competitors

“What Plato said is a lie” (Socrates). Socrates speaks only the truth (Plato).

All that we are is the result of our thoughts (Buddha)

It’s impossible! – said Reason. This is reckless! – remarked Experience. It’s useless! – cut off Pride. “Try it,” Dream whispered.

If the smoke spreads on the ground – go back and turn off the iron, if it rises with a pillar – you can never return.

If it hurts my left hand – for the money, if the nose – for the drink, if both are for the drink for free

Cats have a sign: if the Negro crosses the road.

If the husband gives flowers for no reason – then the reason is still there.

If a woman has a ring on her arm, it means that she is most likely married. If the beads, then it means nothing. If the ring and beads – she is married, but it does not mean anything.

The screw hammered, holds on more firmly, than the nail twisted by a screw-driver.

Want to feel like a star – sit on the Christmas tree!

Came – thanks, left – many thanks.

Life is given to man once, and mostly by chance.

In fact the disappearance of her husband excited. two neighbors

Better with Petrov in Mallorca than with a major in Petrovka.

Never be afraid to do what you do not know how. Remember, the ark was built by an amateur. Professionals built the Titanic.

Short monthly reasons

If you are watching TV, you must have noticed that the good guys always beat the bad guys, except for the nine o’clock news.

Citizens! Fly Aeroflot! Hurry up! There are very few of them left.

If you think that nicotine does not affect the voice of a woman, try to shake the ashes on the carpet.

When a woman says that she has nothing to wear, it means that everything new has ended. When a man says that he has nothing to wear – it means that everything is clean.

Good stuff speed policeman – and the speed adjusts, and nice to move.

Russians call the road where they are going to drive.

If your relatives or friends do not call you for a long time, it means they are fine.

Good is not just where we are not, but where we have never been!

Help you, or not to interfere?

Often, looking at a woman in the morning, you realize with horror that the fact that you seduced her yesterday was not yours, but her merit.

When there is only one wife in a family, she grows up selfish.

There are three reasons for non-attendance: forgot, washed down or scored.

The Russian tank is not so terrible as its drunk crew.

No matter how cool – and well. na back.

And the wolves are fed, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has an eternal memory.

If you have a beautiful wife, an awesome lover, a cool car, there are no problems with the authorities and the tax authorities, and when you go out into the street the sun always shines and passersby smile at you – say NO to drugs!

Mosquitoes are much more humane than some women: if the mosquito drinks your blood, at least it stops buzzing.

There are three ways to do something: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your children to do it.

Life, of course, failed, but otherwise everything is fine.

It is not difficult to make a woman happy, it’s difficult to remain happy yourself.

If you argue with an idiot, he probably does the same.

A properly abandoned husband will definitely come back as a boomerang.

I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.

When time is short, there’s no time for friendship, only love.

Laziness of a simple Russian person is not a sin, but an absolutely necessary means of neutralizing the vigorous activity of the fools leading them.

Laughing for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.

Lottery is the most accurate way to count the number of optimists.

A real woman should cut down a tree, destroy a house and raise a daughter.

The patient went on the mend. But did not reach.

Send four caps from the toilet! And you get a free roll of toilet paper!

The foolish marry, and the clever marry.

American universities are the place where Russian Jews teach mathematics to the Chinese.

Life goes away as quickly as if it is not interesting to us.

Pickle is a drink of tomorrow.

Laziness is subconscious wisdom.

There are people in whom God lives. There are people in whom the devil lives. And there are people that live only worms. (F. Ranevskaya)

In the life of every man there comes a period when it is easier to buy clean socks.

About wives: There is only a moment between the past and the future. It is he who called life.

A well-mannered man will not make remarks to a woman carrying a poor sleeper.

It is not enough to know its worth – you must also be in demand.

Take care of your homeland – rest abroad.

She came to Siberia and ruined all his hard labor there.

Women like children love to say no. Men, like children, take it seriously.

The highest degree of embarrassment – two glances encountered in the keyhole.

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