The death of a loved one may be unexpected, and may come after a serious illness. How to help myself after the loss, I will tell in this article.
First, I will briefly describe the stages that most people go through when faced with the death of a loved one.
- Stage of shock when a person does not believe in what happened. The stage lasts about ten days. Even if a person was seriously ill for a long time, our brain thinks that if he does not perceive it, then this has not happened. Thus, the body protects itself, at the most difficult moment, in order to “not go mad”. At the stage of shock, there are two opposite reactions, or the person cannot concentrate and drops out of the process of organizing the commemoration, and perceives what is happening as in a fog. The second type of behavior, when a person “freezes” his emotions and attention switches to organizational moments. Type of reaction depends on the properties of the nervous, weak – all in a daze, a strong ban on emotions. However, strong people with frozen emotions, if they did not react later, are harder to survive the loss, as they forbid themselves to express emotions, in the extreme case this can turn into somatic diseases.
- Negation. Phase last about a month, that is, together with the previous order of forty days. A person despite the fact of the funeral, still believes that everything did not happen to him, it is a dream, a nightmare that will pass. In my opinion, this is the most difficult period. It is good at this stage to give yourself the opportunity to cry, speak out, share your grief with loved ones and get support and care from others. Those who are able to ask for help, share their feelings – it is easier for that to pass this stage, the old saying “develop trouble in the world” at this stage has a healing effect. Those people who are not accustomed to asking for help, in order not to burden themselves with their problems, try to keep their faces, demonstrate support and help to their loved ones, thereby receiving a tremendous overload as they block their feelings. On the one hand, you can’t hide behind the organizational aspects, on the other hand, people still try to disguise their grief and look strong. And then the biggest mistake!
Recommendation: if you recognize yourself in this type of people, find acceptable ways to express emotions of grief. If “men do not cry or you are a strong woman” cry in private, in the shower, anywhere, so that other people will not see you. Write letters about your feelings for the deceased, for the situation. If you are experiencing a problem, you can ask for help in a forum where completely unsigned people who never see you will help and support you. If you cannot cope with pain alone, you can turn to a psychologist, allow yourself to feel pain in order to live it and find strength for life.
- Accepting the loss of living grief. This stage lasts about six months after the departure of a loved one. At this stage, the deceased person can often come in a dream, in a crowd of people you can notice people like the departed, with similar things, and all this will prompt you to display emotions. During this period, a person experiences many conditions, it can be a sense of guilt, which occurs in many people. When a person sees his or her shortcomings in a relationship with a dead person, he bites himself for them, this is especially true for those relatives whose relatives left unexpectedly. At this point, you can hold an internal dialogue with the dead, write a letter, go to church (if you are a believer). Guilt feelings and the idealization of the deceased are two parallel processes. To experience such feelings is the norm, unless of course they go into the pathological stage when a person directs aggression toward himself (begins to abuse substances). During this period, holidays (new year, birthday, Easter, etc.) and family traditions that pass without a family member gone (harvesting, harvesting for the winter, seasonal sports, fishing, hunting and other activities) in which The deceased took part.
The next stage in this difficult half-year is the appearance of aggressiveness, a person starts to get angry at himself (I could change something, if I …), at fate, at God, at a dead person.
During this period, there are attitudes that it is unfair why take the best, why drug addicts and gangsters live, but my Petenka is not, who you left us for, you lie down easily, and we feel like without you and so on. During this period, a deceased person may dream of being not in this world.
During the period of active work of grief, a person displays a large range of emotions, learning to live with loss, to build his life without a loved one. This stage is very important for the further life of a person, because, without reacting to the feelings at this stage, the person delays the work of grief, thereby depriving himself of the strength for later life and risking falling into depression.
- The stage of releasing a departed person, acceptance, care of a loved one. Covers a period of about six months to a year.
At this stage, the person fully realized what had happened, wept, expressed everything he wanted to say. There comes a stage of light sadness, the departed are remembered alive, pleasant, and sometimes funny moments from life. However, the preceding stage of release can be a state of devastation. When there are no emotions, feelings too, inside there is emptiness. This state is normal if it is temporary. And a person finds for himself new sources of vital forces, new meanings of life, begins to value and love more life. If this does not happen, you need to think about getting help.
As a rule, after a year, the psychological state improves. The man lived this experience and learned to live with the loss. They can roll moments of memories, tears, sadness and longing for a dead person, THIS IS NORMAL! If, after a year, after losing one’s thoughts and way of life, one concentrates on the person who left, this is a signal that the emotions are not expressed to the end and prevent the person from letting go.
Summary how to help yourself survive the grief?
- Allow yourself to show emotions.
- Ask for help from others in an acceptable way.
- Recognize what happened.
- To remember more often the good kind words of a deceased person in his address.
- Learning to build his life without a departed person.
- Find new values and meanings in life.
How to understand when the help of a specialist is needed?
1. Permanent immersion in your thoughts and inhibited reaction.
2. Loss of ability to perform daily tasks (labor and household).
3. Uncontrolled manifestations of feelings (aggression, irritability, panic, or crying).
5. Prolonged sense of desolation.
6. Continuing guilt.
7. Feeling of own uselessness and “uselessness”.
8. Thoughts of his own death or suicide.